Chris would have been 44 today (or 11 in leap years??).
Just weeks before he died I had done a very powerful self awareness course. I'd stopped blaming everybody else for my behaviour and I OWNED IT. I had connected the dots: what was going on in my life (now) and the decisions I'd made (about life & myself) as a child.
This had given me an enormous amount peace and was long overdue. But the other thing I came away with was the knowledge of just how important forgiveness is.
However I completely side stepped the very human emotion of anger! Surely Chris deserved that much? But I didn't go there. I went straight to the holier-then-fucking thou - "I want the chance to forgive this person". "I'm sure it was an accident"! Oh please, someone get me a bucket!
What was I thinking? While Chris was kneeling on the road some cunt ran right over the top of him and didn't stop. No, he shouldn't have been there, if he had of been sober I'm sure he wouldn't have. But still, this person didn't stop and has never owned up to it.
I did a huge disservice to Chris, because as well as what I did (or didn't do) the police didn't really give a shit. He was someone of little interest, he was definitely not high on the socio economic scale and if you take into account his outstanding criminal record - you can be sure not a lot of resources were allotted to his case.
It is was it is. I am sorry. I wish I had handled it differently. I need to forgive myself. End of story.
Thinking of you today Chris.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY xo