Thursday, January 22, 2009

My warm embrace

I remember it like it was yesterday........................
"Leigh, I'm sorry, your mother died about 20minutes ago, I tried to call"
"But, I'm not ready for her to die yet" I yelled at him
Fuck it, I just wasn't!!!!
I have spent many years berating myself about how I handled the whole situation from the moment I knew she was dying. I just couldn't think clearly, I had no idea what to do! NONE! I drank and smoked too much, made it all about me! That's how Leigh Hill handled it!
I'm a different person now. I know what I should have done, I know I should have shown her some love, some compassion. I know the questions I should have asked, that will now never get answered!

After many, many counselling sessions I am told that "I did the best job I knew how to do at the time". And I know this is true. She knew I loved her. But it deeply saddens me to think that I didn't hold her, tell her that I was scared too, that I loved her very much, that I would miss her and never forget her. Tell her that I was angry at some of the mistakes she made but that the good things far out-weighed the bad. That no matter what I ALWAYS knew that she loved me.

I was full of anger and in complete denial! If I could turn back time, I would do things so very, very differently.

She knows all of this, we have had this discussion many times and she understands. I am, after all, her daughter.

So I learned something, and that's always a good thing.

Missing you mum and embracing you in my love!

1 comment:

Kim said...

Dear Leigh
When I got up this morning and checked my blog, which said you had updated yours 4 hours ago, I thought What the????? Wasnt prepared for this post in the least. Its very good mate and sent me back to a similar situation with my mum. I also felt that mums illness was part of a bigger plan, so that i could get my act together and be able to say I luv you mum, you can go now if you want to. Our mums are still available to us and my relationship with my mother has never been so good. When people die you always think that the end of the story and you will never find out anything new about them. Thats not true. I actually saw a movie of mum and dads wedding day for the first time about 7 years after mum died. Love you Leigh Breath XXXX