He ain't heavy, he's my brother

It's Chris's anniversary today. I've spent a lot of time thinking about his life and how it ended.

If I struggled to love the man Chris tuned into, I could easily love the little boy he had once been!
Children are not born bad, but people and events shape them as they grow. I really struggle with the purpose of his life. I know better then most the things he did, but regardless of the whys and hows, he suffered more rejection, misery and self hatred then anybody should in one life time.

Sadly, I always believed I was superior to him. I am not superior to anybody.

As I was writing Chris's eulogy I received this e'mail from Brett Jones (Cre8) and I want to share it because it gave me an enormous amount of peace:-

"It’s never too late to heal a relationship even when they are gone. If your brother could speak now and from a different perspective I’m sure he would be saying that he understands why you resented him but that he wouldn’t want you to be beating yourself up. Tell him in your heart you love him, have always and that you realise it even more now that he has gone. Understand that he played his role in the family that he was given and you played yours. It doesn’t have to be like that anymore. You can love him, forgive him and let it go. Being hard on yourself isn’t going to keep him close to you, suffering is an optional choice, a better one is love. For you, your husband and your family. Love him and let him go."

I was asked to think about what I would say to Chris if I had one last chance - so I spoke to him - I had a lot to say. I didn't ask for any explanations, just told him how I felt, how I didn't understand and when I finished I was asked what I thought he would say to me - and I knew for sure what he would have said - he would have said "I know Sis".

So today I'm going to tell that beautiful little boy how much I love him, that he's special and imagine hugging him tightly.

I hope with all my heart that he has found peace.